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Barry Crimmins

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Jerreee! Barry! Friday, August 29, 2008

Jerreee Barry
It's raining like hell so the house is safe from my paintbrush for at least a few more hours. There has been so much precipitation this summer that the land that abuts our home will soon be designated a New York State rain forest. I swear I heard monkeys out there last night.

I figured I'd pass this rain delay by sharing a few thoughts in the hard, gray light of the day after.

I got to watch the speech again and clearly Barack Obama and his strategists have decided they don't have to appeal to me to win this thing. Low points included the Afghanistan jingo-jangle and the dildoic Brooks and Dunn song at the end of the speech. The bottom came when many in the crowd burst into a USA! USA! chant. So Homer Simpson is now for Obama.

I long ago learned that political conventions are not the domain of deeply intellectual political activists. This was underscored for me at the 2004 D-Party in Boston. In my role as floor reporter for the Randi Rhodes Show, I had a headset on and overheard that we were having a hard time getting (of all people) Jerry Springer from the convention floor  up to the Air America bootfor an interview. I offered to collect Jerry and lead him the (relatively) quick way across the Fleet Center floor and through a maze of halls, elevators and escalators that ended at Radio Row.  "How hard could it be," I thought.

But then I did identify a possible problem, thinking, "Oh no, what if people see me with Jerry Springer and think I am in some way associated with him?" As I'd soon learn, my fears were well founded.

I had to take the risk because I'd promised to deliver the guest and so I went and met Springer at the appointed spot. He wasn't ready so I had to loom around while he finished up dealing with a couple of Dem officials. Finally he was ready to go and off we went. As we cut through the various states, calls of "Jerry! Jerreeeeee!" came from ever corner of the compressed nation. Springer had to stop to sign at least a few dozen autographs and while we were pinned down, delegates would chat me up because they thought I was Jerry's assistant. They furtively asked me if he was as great a guy as he seems to be on television. They asked how various people (mostly the chief bouncer) on his TV staff were doing. I explained that I'd only just met Jerry and was simply trying to lead him to an interview. Many people looked at me like I was just being standoffish. Apparently they thought I wanted Jerry Springer all to myself.

Finally we made it to the Air America enclave and I quickly peeled away to get back down to the floor for my next report. There was just one problem, people were still yelling at me about Jerreeeeee! The questions kept coming?

Delegate: Where'd he go?

BC: A radio interview.

Another Delegate: What's he doing now?

BC: A radio interview.

An Even Stupider Delegate: When will he be coming back through?

BC: I have no idea.

A Very Creepy Delegate: Where's he staying?

BC: I dunno.

A Pushy Delegate: Can you line up tickets for his show in Chicago for me?

BC: Have you considered killing yourself?

This continued for the rest of the convention. I kept running into the same people and then they'd start the Jerreeeeee! and more and more people would get word that Springer's man was coming through. A few people actually pitched show ideas to me.

A Completely Shameless, Stupid, Pushy, Creepy Delegate I have this slut sister-in-law..."

BC: I'm sorry to hear that but I'm afraid you'll have to find someone other than me to publicize her shortcomings.

So I know who was yelling USA! USA! last night in Denver. And I bet at least a few of them are still talking about how Jerreeeeee! is a very nice guy but his assistant is no fun at all.

By the way, my association with Springer soon became even more unavoidable when some genius in the front office of Air America gave him his own show.

NOTE: This is the third post in the past 24 hours so please scroll down to make sure that you haven't missed out on any of the fun!

updated: 10 years ago