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Barry Crimmins

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No Oil For Blood? Friday, May 23, 2008

No Oil For Blood
OK, I had some connectivity issues yesterday so I have a bunch of ideas backed up in the (if you'll forgive the term) pipeline....

SUV -- Suddenly Useless Vehicle.

You don't suppose the insurance rackets are preparing for a rash of SUV "accidents" -- now do you?

To get rid of their petro-pounding behemoths, people will be remaking bad movies about murdering an old relative for insurance money -- Look, we all love the old gal but she wouldn't want us to suffer just to keep her going. She's certainly not doing herself -- or  anyone else -- any good the way she is now. She can't even move anymore. All we're really doing is putting her out of her misery. And she'd want us to have the money to move on with our lives.

It used to be we worried about auto fatalities on a holiday weekend but this year the greatest loss of life will come from people leaping from the tops of their Escalades. Or from the apexes of their mortgages...

The good thing about "upside-down" car loans and mortgages is they provide a large flat surface from which to teeter at the brink.

A lot of those people who exempted themselves from reality to buy SUV's
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to "keep their families safe" are now sitting in upside-down homes, looking at upside-down car payments.

It's funny how being upside-down changes your perspective on just what really keeps your family safe.

It's gotten to the point where it's cheaper to park in New York City than it is to drive in Iowa.

The big winner in all this? Television networks. Shut-ins watch a lot of TV.

Of course the networks would do even better if higher ratings translated into increased advertising revenues. But for advertising revenues to increase, people have to actually be able to afford to buy things.

Pawn shops and scrap yards don't tend to do a lot of advertising.

Sign of the times: sheriffs car-pooling to serve eviction and foreclosure notices.

2008 has brought a new paranormal phenomenon: ghost suburbs.

Not to mention haunted car dealerships.

The Dems are anything but blameless in all this .... however, on the heels of Bush and Cheney the GOP is finally going to pay for the two Republican oilmen who built a pipeline that runs from the Treasury to their cronies' private vaults.

With W and the Head Dick leaving us with war, recession and gas upwards of $5 per gallon, Republican John McCain is about as easy to sell as a gently-used Humvee dealership.

If this keeps up -- and it will -- the Straight Talk Express will be out of gas on an exit ramp by early September.

If you take from Americans at the pump, they'll give it right back to you at the polls.

All of the agonizing over Obama's fitness for office will come down to one question:

Is he Republican?

No.

Then he's perfect!


But he'll only remain perfect if he deals with the Energy Catastrophe (We are long past "crisis.")

You know what wastes a lot of energy?

Militarism.

Do you have any idea how much oil it takes to keep the biggest military in the world on the road to nowhere in Iraq?

Pretty soon only soldiers who can kick in gas money will be allowed to rotate back to the States.

People who said 'No Blood for Oil," got it backwards.

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We got No Oil for Blood.

But at least George W. Bush has done all he can to guarantee that Memorial Day remains a viable holiday for generations to come.

OK, it's time for me to stop consuming energy at this computer and start expending some out in the yard.

updated: 11 years ago