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Barry Crimmins

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Hilri Klintun Kilt A Bar(ak) Heer Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Hilri Klintun Kilt A Barak Heer

Just part of the crowd at last night's Clinton Kentucky victory party.

[Full Disclosure: As many of you know, I was once arrested for smuggling books into Kentucky. I got off on a technicality because no one could prove they were books. The cops just probed the pages with sticks while saying things like "They's got a lot of them flippety thangs." I was also once arrested for smuggling health care into the USA from Canada -- but I digress.]

Hillary Quincy Clinton (or is it  Hillary "Walker" Clinton? -- I forget) won the Kentucky Democratic Primary last night by expertly strip-mining the last fertile patch of mainland low information voters standing between her and the end of her historic campaign.

Just because it's almost over, doesn't mean it's too late for you to get involved. Act now and donate to Hillary '08 before you miss out like you did on your chance to get in on that New England Patriots -- Perfect Season swag. Best of all, if you're one of the next million people to donate $10 or more to the Clinton Campaign's Closeout Blowout Emergency Appeal, you get a free I Helped Save Bill From a Lecture Tour of Saudi Arabia bumper sticker! You also get the honor of helping the woman who has gone out and proven that she will fight reality for us, no matter when, no matter where. Even at 3 a.m. in fictional scenarios!

You might ask, "How did Hillary incur her historic  $20 mil debt? Well, with gas at $4 per gallon, wheel-spinning costs a pretty penny these days and wheel-spinning is exactly what Clinton has been doing by refusing to read the writing on the wall concerning her failed candidacy. Not reading boosted her appeal with key demographics throughout Appalachia. As a result, she won big in Kentucky. Truth told, the hill folks would have preferred voting for either of their current US Senators: Mitch McConnell  --champion of oppressors or Jim Bunning, who puts his pants on one leg at a time like anyone else, only backwards. It's just that Hillary was the only choice besides the negra. And so the folks done done what had ta be done. Yassir!

Had Clinton ended up on the fall ballot, they'd have never voted for her again in the Bluegrass State, particularly after the McCain folks run ads showing her down there in Puerto Rico, sellin' them illegal immigrant Puerto Ricans the same stuff she was sellin' the good folks a' Kaintuck.

If Mr. Obama somehow becomes president without the help of a few states full of the adult children who got left behind, he'll have a chance to win the left-behinds before 2012. By bringing them forward. He can start by getting high tech to the low information voters. He can open computer training and recycling centers and distribute the refurbished equipment to the folks like it was 'lectricity from the TVA its ownself. Then he can mandate that the feds make high speed internet access available to rural areas. Of course he'll have to make sure the folks know about spam and Snopes.com lessn' they end up a-thainkin' Sen Alabama's the nephew of that Old Sam Benladen or somethin'.

President Obama should also start a National Recovery Act-type program
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that puts folks to work cleaning up the environment and renovating and upgrading the infrastructure of backwoods areas. People like making a living improving the world around them.

None of this happens unless Barack understands that ignorance isn't the result of malice on the part of the ignorant but simply an inevitable consequence of poverty. I have some hope he already knows this and this is why he's kept his cool through the whole "Obama doesn't do well with the key 'bigoted lunkhead' demographic" deal.

Every few decades somebody in Washington tries to help the rural poor by building some roads or handing out food stamps or something. Otherwise the rural poor are forgotten -- except by military recruiters and politicians around election time. So if Barack Obama were to work diligently to reduce poverty and bring hope to the hollers, then there'd be many fewer low information voters for people like Hillary Clinton and John McCain to exploit in primaries and general elections. If that happens, your Hillary '08 campaign material will become that much more valuable-- as artifacts of an age that took much too long to end.
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updated: 11 years ago