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Barry Crimmins

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Travels with Snarly Sunday, May 18, 2008

Travels with Snarly
Lost in the ballyhoo over the dust-up between George W. Bush and Barack Obama is the reason the president assailed Obama in the first place: With nothing but flimsy rationales and his trademark lack of ethics to work with, Bush is trying to start a war with Iran and Obama isn't cooperating. Is there any wonder why some people question the Illinois senator's trustworthiness?

Even though Bush has been known to make it seem like child's play, this war-starting business is actually rather complicated. Childishness helps, but not just any kid can pull it off. Now that Dubster has transformed from spring chickenhawk to lame duck, he is generally reviled by the American people. This revulsion in large part results from his penchant for starting ill-advised wars. So the shine's off of the scion. Undaunted, GWB is frantically fighting against time to entwine our nation in yet one more bloodbath.

But is he up to the task? After years of needless military engagement in Iraq, everyone this side of the Strangelove Division of the Joint Chiefs of Staff can't bear the thought of yet another conflict. By way of review, Americans want out of the Iraq war/occupation because:

It was started under phony pretenses.

Despite proclamations of accomplished missions and promises of rose petals tossed at the boots of the invaders, all that's developed is an ever-deepening quagmire.

It's cost thousands of lives and ruined countless more. (and that's not counting the Iraqi dead and maimed because they're foreigners.)

Iraq is the pet boondoggle of the neoclowns, who are using it to funnel billions to corporate cronies-- billions that will become trillions as they are  paid off by our grandchildren -- providing we happen to completely luck out and not finish off civilization before our grandchildren are old enough to pay taxes.

The American people are more broke than their government and prefer to do their deficit spending on things like health care, housing assistance and their domestic infrastructure.

This war has made the United States both a pariah and laughing stock to the rest of the world.

The idea of Mass Transit -- Not Mass Murder is catching on.

But mostly the American people want out of Iraq because they understand that by any sane measure, we're getting our ass handed to us over there.

Then there's the matter of Afghanistan, where the USA is fighting a war against a force in possession of the world's most time-honored home- field advantage. Adding Iran to the road schedule does nothing for a spread thin and worn out military.

Tack on a few thousand other lie detector-melting details to Bush's resume and justifying an attack on the nation that connects Iraq and Afghanistan becomes a nigh impossible sell. This is why Bush, a man with great affinity for fascism, had to  throw his old family pals, the Third Reich, under the Hummer in an attempt to foment the war he craves with Iran. It's also why he's labeled Obama as an appeaser for reminding us that we should stop at the State Department before going to the Pentagon. Most people are with Obama on this one, epecially since Iran doesn't seem to be coveting Czechoslovakia or anything.

Bush's best last chance is to keep up the high pressure sales tactics on the rubes back home. Unfortunately the rubes are busy attending Hillary Clinton rallies, where the New York senator is telling them, "as goes Appalachia, so goes the nation." Abandoned by his fellow low information Americans, these are difficult days for the president. They are even tougher on his handlers, who at one point last month had to spend several hours explaining to Bush why he couldn't vote for Mrs. Clinton in the Pennsylvania Primary.

Now poor Dubyahoo is tasked with advocating that sticking your fingers in your ears while sing-songing, "La-la-la--la. I can't hear you! La-la-la--la. I'm not listening! La-la-la--la." is the only way to show the world you mean business. To make matters worse, the other biggest disciple of the above-ground ostrich approach to international affairs is loopy old John McCain. On Thursday, Whispering Johnny and the littlest prez got to clanging like a couple of intercontinental tuning forks, La-la-la--la'ing back and forth, half a world apart from one another. They looked and sounded silly but what's a little dignity when the the threat of peace is looming?
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After an historically hysterical speech before the Knesset, Bush went from Israel directly to Saudia Arabia. This is usually a capital offense for travelers but his legendary dumb luck held when upon arrival, he found the exalted tyrants in atypical good humor. This didn't save him from the embarrassment of having followed up an outburst cautioning against appeasing oppressive regimes by immediately groveling for mercy at the feet of a Sultan from another century. Bush might have left Saudi Arabia with a few full gas cans had he only remembered to invade Iran prior to his arrival in Riyadh. Alas, dyslexia offers no dispensations for mercenaries.

While el prezzo was doing his Saudi sucking up, Barack Obama returned Bush's oratorical fire from a makeshift Nike missile site in South Dakota. Bush scrambled to take cover in Egypt, where he was last reported somewhere outside of Cairo, taking a VIP tour of modernized torture facilities in a restored dungeon. His trip will end today after he lectures the locals on (get this!) economic stability and human rights.
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At home or abroad, George W. Bush will go down fighting for war as he struts across the red carpet and into infamy, his guaranteed destination whether or not he manages to add one more crime against humanity to his greasy legacy. -- Barry Crimmins

updated: 11 years ago