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Barry Crimmins

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We Interrupt This Essay..... Saturday, January 1, 2000

Originally published on Cleveland Plain Dealer Op/Ed page 1-13-1999

by Barry Crimmins

I never thought I would live to see the impeachment of a president. Ever since Richard Nixon dodged the proceedings by resigning it has seemed as if chief executives were immune from su...

   BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!! WE INTERRUPT THIS OP-ED PIECE TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING BULLETIN FROM THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE.

   This is Helen Highwater, Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Chief Meteorologist, reporting live from my Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Chief Meteorologist office. The National Weather Service has issued the following weather advisory to anyone residing North of the Florida/Georgia border. This includes the entire Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Greater Reading Area. In Florida and other tropical locations we are mostly panicking people about hurricanes, tornadoes, flooding and drought but to those in the previously mentioned northerly lying areas the following issuance should be carefully noted: It is January and there is a distinct possibility of winter weather occurring within the next 12 to 36 hours. This weather could include some or all of the following: low temperatures, cold winds, snow, sleet, rain, freezing rain or even hail. Remain calm but please dash to the supermarket to purchase enough food and emergency supplies to sustain your family until this Y2K thing clears up. Then return to your home or, if necessary, take shelter in the trunk of your automobile until we sound the "All Clear".

   The National Weather Service no longer feels it's enough to simply interrupt your favorite television programs or once in a lifetime sporting events with distracting beeps and messages concerning weather systems currently stalled over other time zones. Henceforth we will even disturb the printed word. So now not only will your view of the Super Bowl be reduced to the size of the screen of a Sony Watchman to make room for dire warnings of a storm that could arrive the following afternoon -- even your favorite opinion columns can now be preempted. This is for your own good. After all, the National Weather Service know best.

   SO TO REPEAT, THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS ISSUED A NEWSPAPER READERS' ADVISORARY CONCERNING THE POSSIBILITY OF WINTER WEATHER IN JANUARY -- PARTICULARLY IF YOU ARE IN OR AROUND A GREAT LAKE OR NORTHERN PORTIONS OF AN OCEAN OR ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE UP HIGH ON A MOUNTAIN. PLEASE CLOSE YOUR NON EMERGENCY SUPPLY- RELATED BUSINESSES, SUSPEND PUBLIC EDUCATION AND GET OUT THERE AND PANIC BUY.

   This is Helen Highwater, Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Chief Meteorologist reporting live We now return you to our anchor, Amy Geddon at the Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Desk at the Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Command Center, 15 feet down the hall.

   AMY: Thanks, Helen. Stay cozy!! Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 will be checking back for more reports with you throughout today's Op-ed page. Remember here at Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 we bring you the most complete array of everything you could possibly worry about in case a few inches of snow actually did arrive in our area. This includes a list of closings and cancellations so long that the spring run-off will come before your event is mentioned.

   Before we return to Mr. Crimmins' remarks concerning the impeachment proceedings, we're going to bring you the first of a seven part series; "The snow shovel, pathfinder for the common person" with Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Senior Suburban-action Reporter Merle Lingerer who begins his series live with a couple who have experience shoveling actual snow.

   HELEN: MERLE?

   MERLE: Thanks, Helen I'm here in South Lake Park with Del and Dee Lirium married for 42 years and I believe it's safe to assume that most of those years included winters. But just lately they have really begun to focus on the weather as their primary source of angst. Isn't that right, Del?

   DEL: You've got it, Merle. We realized that now that there aren't that many Reds left to panic about we needed a new paranoid obsession. Well doncha know that our answer fell right out of the sky on us? One day last year I went out to the bomb shelter to retrieve some pears Dee had canned during the Eisenhower Administration. Well I almost couldn't find the bunker because it had nearly been buried in snow. Well right then it come to me that it was time to learn more about snow removal. So Dee and I put on our winter camouflage down jumpsuits and set out to work. Just this week we completed the conversion of the bomb shelter to a storm shelter.

   MERLE: And you are now a proud part of the Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Remote Observation Team

   DEE: That we are, Merle. In fact, we have our Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Official Outpost flag a'flapping from the Official Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Distress Signal Pole right now. But enough of that. Why not come down in the bunker and we'll show you the Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Official Outpost and Distress Signal Center shovel room?

   MERLE: That'd be great, Dee. We will take an exclusive look at the Lirium's shovel collection when we return tomorrow for Part 2 of "The snow shovel, pathfinder for the common person." But now we must return to Amy Geddon at the Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 anchor desk for this important breaking story. For Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99. I'm Senior Suburban-action Reporter Merle Lingerer reporting live from South Lake Park.

   AMY: Thanks for that fascinating report, Merle. I know we are all beside ourselves with anticipation about Part Two. We remind readers that we will be returning to the discussion of the impeachment of President just as soon as we complete this urgent bulletin about the vicissitudes of January weather in the Northern Hemisphere.

   But first this late breaking story. We have a live report from Ray Moat with the Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Mobile Team in New Mexico.

   RAY: Thanks Amy. Ray Moat with the Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Mobile Team reporting from just outside Albuquerque, New Mexico where residents are taking care of any business they may have on the peaks of local mountain ranges because the National Weather Service is now predicting close to two inches of new snow for the apexes of local mountains sometime in the next 12 to 48 hours.

   AMY: Ray? This is Amy at the Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Command Center. Would you say this treacherous situation in the high country of New Mexico, just a few thousand scant miles from the Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Reading Area is of concern to our readers?

   Well certainly, Amy. Many people here are wishing they had acted more quickly but now will probably have to wait until spring before they can safely observe New Mexican Mountain Goats. This could certainly happen to residents of the Doppler 380 Op-ed Computer Satellite Stormwatch '99 Greater Reading Area unless they take the kind of heed the New Mexicans didn't last week, when this storm was stalled over the Philippines. Reporting live from the high country of New Mexico, this is Ray Moat, Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 Mobile Team .

   AMY: Stay safe, Ray! Ray will be back with all the New Mexico and Arizona school closings during our next report. Doppler 380 Computer Satellite Op-ed Stormwatch '99 will break in with late developments more frequently than you can possibly imagine. We now return you to Barry Crimmins and our previously scheduled essay, already in progress.

... in the Oval Office? If that's enough to remove a president then I suggest it's time to consider some retroactive impeachmen...

   Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!!!!!!!!!