Dear Marc, Most comics would give their right eye to appear on your fabled WTF podcast. Unfortunately it is my left eye that's at stake. (NOTE: images shown are reversed)
As you already know, my eye was victimized by an unprovoked attack by a malicious pine branch. As a result of this heartless assault, the cornea suffered an abrasion and the retina was torn. A few days ago I was subjected to massive laser bombardment in an attempt to bond the retina back to the eyeball. We won't learn until next week if this procedure succeeded in repairing the offended orb.
The sight I have in the aforementioned eye is quite hazy. All I see appears as if it's part of a cinematic dream sequence. Sadly, it's a lousy movie and the dream sequence does not include me appearing on stage at the Wilbur Theater in Boston this Friday night with you, Mike Donovan, Jimmy Tingle, Frank Santorelli, Kenny Rogerson and Tony Vee. Considering the stellar lineup, it almost makes me want to attempt driving the fifteen hour round-trip. It's just that I worry about innocents who might be harmed as I try to negotiate hundreds of miles in fabulous 2D vision that results from my now de rigueur eye-patch.
As much as the evening would have benefited from me talking about myself, I'm sure my dear friends will make a point of
using their segments to discuss their fallen comrade. I'm moved by their generosity. Merely considering their selflessness brings a tear to my eye -- although I'll allow that the laceration to my retina could be a contributing factor.
So you kids go ahead and have a fine time and don't worry about me, sitting here alone, heartbroken and heavily medicated. I'll get along somehow. WTF will be around for a long, long time and I can still dream of the day when I can appear on your show to tell you and your erudite audience all about me.
In the meantime, thanks so much for the invite and sorry I can't make it.
Yours basted in self pity,